Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris Attempt to Topple Timbers

Sunday, using Miami FC as their tools to overthrow the Pacific Northwest's most forestry-conscious USL team, puppet masters Governor Jeb Bush and Representative Katherine Harris deployed various nefarious techniques, including brain-washing one otherwise loyal Timbers Army member to sport Miami Vice attire, to stage an overthrow of fourth place dominance that the Timbers have maintained for days.

Both Miami FC and the officials had obviously been taking in and learning from this year's World Cup, judging from all the cheating going on that was obvious to everyone watching save the ref--for which a Miami player thanked him with a blown kiss as the clock ticked down to the ninetieth minute. We were not without our secret weapons, however: The Army is developing a seductive tradition of insulting the opposing side by inviting them, to the tune of She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain, to shove various local icons up their ass. Hilarity invariably ensues. Go ahead, try it--and now try it with the names of Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris and see if that doesn't leave you with an ear-splitting silly grin on your face. And the Timbers themselves had Potl: that boy was on fire last night! Yes, I said it: Potl was on fire! (We really like Potl, but frankly he doesn't always have that kind of energy.) Last night he was man of the match. Luke Kreamalmeyer was trapped in a defender position and unable to summon the Force as he usually does, but the ridiculously handsome Scot Thompson made a save worthy of John Terry.

With several of our key players injured and the referee nursing a vision problem, the Timbers were unable to get the ball in the net (though oh how Guti tried to get that penalty called!) but the lads still showed us a good time to wash away the taste of World Cup disappointment and remind of us just how much fun it is to watch a ball get kicked round the pitch on a beautiful day. And as always, the greatest mascot--official or un--in the football world, Timber Jim, was on hand to shore up our flagging spirits.

The repeated diving, fouls, wasting time, and general bad vibes emanating from the Miami squad failed to snuff out the anarchic good vibes that the Timbers Army reveled in and spread throughout PGE Park with their customary leaderless liberalism. Miami may have won the battle 1-0 . . . but the Portland Timbers will always win the war for hearts and minds. Rose City Till I Die indeed!

This post written in collaboration with my a pretty move compatriot Lynda.

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